Ma Fischer, Milwaukee

Food.
Sep 25

What am I doing?
(The Sequel (Again))

I'm about to dine at Ma Fischer's Restaurant, and I keep thinking about choices, times, people, places, parents, learning. And.... what to do. How best to proceed. How?

Expression of current context:
Unemployed, educated in Computer Science, fairly unskilled in most other areas but desirous to learn. Aware that following a specialized career in Computer Science will allow little possibility for broader expansion across skills like languages, arts, handiwork, and people skills.

So am I looking to be a kind of "Renaissance Man", as I first heard about in the TV series "Becker"? That sounds attractive. But not as an ultimate aim... the one thing I've read about, and feels right, and the only thing I'd set my heart fully, truly intently upon, is Goodness. The Good, The True. All mundane goals end, and both their possible finish lines (success and failure) seem fairly inconsequential. If one seeks and obtains money, one risks becoming a slave to greed. If one is driven by lust, all victories will lead to recurrence. Desiring and achieving the mundane only begets more of itself. An average life will not only be driven by the mundane, but its focus often shifts between the mundane and the transcendent, and so ends up achieving neither in excellence. And if one perceives this and desires to shun all such desires and seek something transcendent, with faith in the coherence of Life and the unsenselessness of Consciousness, what does one do? How to act? What to seek?

Intending to find a path, I recently set aside society, protocol, friends, and family, and set off to explore the world without focusing on money or career, but on the value of people, knowledge, and novelty. I stayed for one month at a New Mexican farm as a volunteer, and learned how to farm and what it was like to do physical labor all day, even if of a mild kind. Soon after I found the Rainbow Gathering by chance, and leaped into its experience with unknown people, hoping to find my Way there.

The Rainbow Gathering opened up my eyes to different ways of life - many indeed less focused on money or career, and rather only on people and virtue. I indulged in the simple pleasures of people, Nature, genuineness, and trustworthiness, and met many people from whose company I believe I grew in the right manner. Some of my spiritual thoughts I reassured, others I reinforced, others I trimmed - I acquired new data of people, life, and virtue, in order to attempt to achieve a truer model of the all.

And later, some roadtripping with Zhenia, family, and hitchhikers. And then Circle of Children. And then Manu, then Danny and Alana, up north towards Vancouver Island. Further fraternity, simplicity, and hippie life I perceived up at Raft Cove, and I observed the struggles of the Rainbow Family to achieve a coherent working unit, as we were expelled from of Raft Cove, and tried to decide how to deal with this, and continue the Gathering through the lunar cycle. I realized how disconnected nakedness and lust can be (or how disconnected I've become from my own sexual urges). I experienced deep connections to other people, some intense but not as deep, and so many neither intense nor deep, but genuine, trustworthy, such as fleeting smiles as we passed each other on the trail, tacitly acknowledging, and knowing there was no need or desire for further interaction. Happy and simple life, even if framed in a rehearsed, distant setting. A reminder of how things can be. Or how they used to be. A reminder that happy smiles, true words, and open attitudes can fulfill a human being much more than money, power, or the newest technologies and possessions.

Then, just over a month ago, I drove from Vancouver Island to the east coast of the country, picking up and befriending seven people along the way: one Rainbow, and six Craigslisters. And I experienced first-hand the loveliness of meeting and sharing time with relative strangers. Many people out there are just looking to meet other people... they are not be feared as I've seen many kinsmen do.


A wedding, some reading, and a visit to my parents later, I'm in Milwaukee. At the end of my 3-week visit, I told them "I'm disappearing again, don't wait up". And I knew that by doing so, I was leaving them anxious for me. My attitude towards their anxiety was "Not my problem, suck it". And I drove off.

Since then, I have reason to believe that my behavior towards my parents was unnecessary and unvirtuous. And since I'm seeking virtue, well, I'm looking to change my own behavior. To what? To one that does not give them anxiety.

On a personal level, I've realized that my manner of living, if I were to continue spending as little as possible, earning virtually no income, is still money- and socially-centered. Money-centered because one of my goals is to be as thrifty as possible, and achieving optimal thriftiness even feels as a matter of pride. Socially-centered because I'm discriminating between people - some I will relate to, others I will not. Doing so also relates to a matter of pride and achievement. And neither centricism sounds like a worthy aim.

So I'm looking to return to my parents and explain that I'd like to reestablish my connection to them. Perhaps not to everyone, but certainly to them. I don't know exactly what to do after. Possibilities include attending the Rainbow Gathering at Shawnee (its virtues still seem worthy to me), driving off to Colorado with some Ridesharer, staying with Marcos for a while, perhaps some Reddwerks outsourcing to achieve some income, and personal work on Audio, Machine Learning, and such matters. It's just a rough draft for now. But one thing I do know - I intend to reestablish my relationship with my parents before this week ends.

Denny's @Milwaukee

Sep23

I started today at the Denny's near the Milwaukee airport. I'd taken an uncomfortable nap from 6-9pm in my car after having driven Ashley and Steve from Chicago, and my discomfort had just surpassed my level of tiredness. Also fairly hungry and with the acidic taste that eating only oats left in my throat, I decided to pay an extended nocturnal visit to the perennially open diner.

Once there, I opted to order Unlimited Pancakes for $4 and a refillable cup of coffee. My server was called Andy, spoke in an effeminate voice, and was very complacent and attentive when attending my requests. Now equipped with WiFi, food, a sitting place, and time, I ate my first four pancakes and looked for promising rideshare requests.

**This post was never finished. Essentially, I sat at Denny's all night, talked to Andy as he had so much free time, and he told me'd been up for 72 hours straight and he still was about to visit his mother in the hospital after his shift, but I suggested that he go to directly to sleep, and visit his mother afterwards. I left the restaurant at 5AM or so**

Rutina

La rutina y la comodidad
permiten hacer las tareas
lidiar con problemas
experimentar el momento
DESPUÉS

Prospects

Prospects

Out of here.
First step. Yes, out of here.
How? Car? If not car, what to do with Meo? Sell? Gift? Unsure. Hoping to find a happy channel for all.
Then... where to? Perhaps more importantly... what to do? Live the Life. Yes, almost axiomatically. But anything beyond that? Anything specific? Meta-question.... will I ask myself the specifics of what to do?

I've found impromptu decisions, actions, meetups, chances, travels... they can be wonderfully precious, surpising... by definition more suprising than the planned. And isn't surprise a requisite of a complete Life?

What do I seek by writing?
Straighten out thoughts.
Is that all?
Right now, a mixture of "showing off" for my ad, who now seems to know a little more about how I like to write.

But my conscious intention is to straighten out my thoguhts. Or at least to reatake a pleasant habit that has turned out, well, joyful and productive.

So what does the world look like to you now, Mr. Me? Wide open? With space in one hand and Time in the other, with Language at your mouth, ready to answer your every message and to understand outside signals, with legs happy to walk , a back happy to carry a backpack, two eyes eager to absorb more of the world, ears intent on listening further an deeper into the world, and a mind ardent to learn more... more what? Skills, languages, utility abilities. Repair skills, traveling skillls, survival skills? Social skills. Languages, for sure. But.... I don't see ether of those as my goals They might be the means in a possible path of mine, but... they do not feel like an appropriate end.

So what is my end? Do I want one? Death, of course, seems to loom at the end of this one Life I have been given. But I'm not that eager to reach that... or am I? Death seems like leaving the amusement park. Once you go out, you can go home, rest, go to sleeep... but you can't come back inside, nor go on any rides anymore.

Truth. One word came out, and it feels deliciously fitting. Truth. Seeking Truth, one abstains from the luxury of jumpi8ng to coclusions, or taking shortcuts. There are no shortcuts. The only path that will have teh same effect as a path is the path itself, because, well, every single little thing affects everyth8ing else. As much as we attempt to compartmentalize, isolate... nothing ever repeats itself. Each event is unique. Each moment is unique. Each perspective, personal feeling,statement, action, thought, step, word, each sacred choice that we make... is unique in this vast, yet comparatively puny world of teh visible and easily known. What is the World really like? What is there beyond the World? How does my current conscious perspective fit in with the marvelous set of everyth8ing that is? How do I fit in? Am I a tiny deluded solipsist, or truly the maker of the entire World, my World? Or does it even matter, or does it even make sense to ask that, at such a level? Do questions make sense?

Truth. Imitation never has the intention as strong, nor as.... pure... as the original. Feel I. Truth. What is a higher purpose i may have? Do I have a large set, perhaps even infinite set, of possible purposes and lives, and is my job, nay, my game, simply to choose the one I slide upon? Is Life simply a tree, and I choose which branch to take at every step? I like that view. A vast tree is Life, and all we can do at each moment is to choose which branch to take.

Amenable

So what am I doing?
Looking... for...
something besides the goods that are popular and commonly desired, but that I've observed and experienced that do not satisfy truly.
Like which goods?
Like wealth, recognition, accomplishments (achieving this or that goal, going to this or that place, conquering or mating this or that girl), or bodily pleasures.
Then what kind of good do you seek?
I've observed there is some subtle, underlying pattern to all actions, intentions, perceptions - at least to mine, for that is the only one of which I can speak. I will to delve into the subtler, whatever it is, and involve myself with those matters.
Will you to master them?
I will to involve myself as best I can with them.
And you disconnect yourself willingly from your social life to achieve this?
Yes.
Why?
Because I have observed in myself too amenable a character, one too easily swayed by others' opinions and influences. Additionally, I hold the impression that the search I undertake is best undertaken with no, or very few and select, company.

Restless Limbo

(One night while staying at Wilkes-Barre Walmart. Date uncertain.)
It's almost 3 am, and my mody refuses to sleep. I had a short 1h nap near Barnes and Noble earlier tonight, but it was not enough to fully replenish me. I feel a little tired. Or at least, it feels like I ought to feel so.

I feel a little off, unsure of what I'm doing. I claim that such a moment allows for immense possibility, liberated criteria, and the forging of novel paths in Life. In practice, at least now, I just feel off, a little confused. I want to do something, but I don't know what. I want to go somewhere, but I don't know where. I want to learn some skills, but I'm not sure which to start with. What to do?

This newborn phase might still just be too fresh, and all my feelings and thoughts about it still observant and undecided. Opinions bloom after some time. Perhaps that is still missing: a little time. Or maybe some rest, followed by some writing, listing, comparing, and syncing with people I know.

For now, I will to sleep. Nacht.

Caged

Fears are the boundaries that keep people caged.

Parked thoughts

I sit in my car Meo, parked on a park's parking lot, close to a town, part of PA... and I wonder.

What am I accomplishing? What do I want? How will I do it? My mind is trying to figure out the formula. Lovely mind, thank you for your tireless work. You do well, and you need not feel anxious about doing badly. You rock =)

Yet I imagine that an expression of my Will, through words, can help clarify my state, both to others and to myself.

I - I intend to understand Consciousness (and were this unfulfillable, to experience It in its fullest expression).

II - I intend to sharpen my Focus to its utmost potential.

III - I intend to attune my Perception to the entire spectrum of phenomena - coarse to subtle, on all channels currently known or unknown to me, from all beings, of all meanings.

IV - I intend to Be happy, and to help others Be happy.