Love or Lust

(Date is approximate)

Love? Lust? Do you call it love if you choose it over another? Were they both love, and chose you which one to focus on?

Love is a decision, she said. I don't regret what I've done, I just wonder at the validity of my reasonings. My mind wonders if following one's feelings is... right? correct? smart? Things are hard to define. There is no one clear function to optimize.

Following one's feelings one can be labeled impulsive, reckless. Not doing so, one risks the label of cold, stagnant, afraid, scared. One really should not mind other people's opinions much. An oftener and more dangerous bias is the labels one assigns onto oneself, as we are trained to do.

Regardless of label-assigning, decisions sometimes involve other people's feelings, their lives. Often the people most affected are those closest to you. So when making a choice, these feelings and lives are a factor to consider. So hurting some of those can be a serious deterrent to an option.

In life, however, one ultimately chooses one's own actions, and one is free to decide. Choice is an essential factor in life. I would dare to state that, along with feeling, perception, it IS life. That's it. We are presented with a constant plethora of feelings we constantly experience, and we choose what to do with it. How to play with it, combine it, mold it. We are the molders of our experience, whatever that might be. I feel one should make it great.

Songs and quotes come to mind. Related, but not necessarily conclusive in my situation. Just concepts, thoughts, material for me to mold into my own experience.

"Amor de verano", a song plays on the car speakers, as I wait in the car, parked in the Chuck E. Cheese's parking lot, waiting for Elisa to finish working out.

"Irresistible", she called me as we rolled around in her bed, and I thought of this song, now playing right here. And our skins caressed each other, in mutual need and affection.

"I Surrender", by Laura Pausini, DJ Napo Remix, according to the MP3 I have. That's what I thought of as she lovingly looked at me for a few seconds, then just went "Oh...", and grabbed me to hold me so dearly, as if she had lost a short battle to her attraction to me. She surrendered.

"Una Cita en el Bar", by Ricardo Arjona. I was not at a bar and she was not a prostitute, but we both woke up "un poquito enamorados".

"Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience". Paulo Coelho, according to Google. Very nice quote. A lodestone for life, I'd say. Powerful.

"Some people are meant to fall in love, but they are not meant to be together". Hugo Mota @FB. No idea who it applies to, but it makes sense. And it makes little sense to predict. Even if one were fully right, where would then be the surprises, the happy unexpected, apparently random, seemingly meant-to-be experiences?

"Prediction is hard, especially of the future". Some physicist, I believe. Niels Bohr? Oh well.

One should choose... no, not even. I choose to live fully, choosing and living as I see best fit.


...
...
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Feelings.

Perception ⊆ Feelings
Thoughts ⊆ Feelings
Emotions ⊆ Feelings

Experience ⊆ Feelings

Nothing can substitute experience.
Es gibt keine schlechte Erfahrung.
End of June, 2011

Slow Internet

Slow Internet is better than no Internet, but it doesn't always feel that way.

Cold Analysis

I wrote this on Thursday June 23rd, 3 days after coming back to Guatemala from Costa Rica, as I waited for the swimming pool in Swim Center to clear.

I wonder if there's a treatise on how to choose love. Do you choose it? Or does it choose you? I've been chosen at least once. At least twice. Now what? Do you choose by seniority? Or by compatibility? Or by your feelings? Or by convenience? Or by momentum? Laura gets three out of five.

But are feelings only a volatile subjective measure, subject to the context and the place and the time. Or is that immediacy which makes them most important? "Feelings are the reason and purpose of everything we do". But is that justification enough to be impulsive?

I don't seek justification. I seek a choice. Coldly, I know what to do. Deviously, selfishly, I know how to optimize my own benefits. But not in a truthful fashion, and I am not willing to compromise truth. Truthful and cold, I know what to do. I would seal a deal with Carmella, inform Laura, and spend the next year getting my master's at CMU, single but soon-to-join-Carmella, then find a way to live nearby or together. How that would disappoint Laura, how it would hurt her. Would it hurt her more than if I pretended to love her for a year, then said ta-ta? The former wouldn't make her lose a year "searching", in her eyes, but it would hurt tremendously at the breaking point, I imagine. I've seen it happen with Marcelo & Andrea, clear as day, she hurts so much even when told. It would hurt in either case.

However, I'm not cold...

I have no obligation to love Laura. I don't, I just realized it. She doesn't have any obligation towards me. If I came to realize the switch my mind is now thinking about, I feel my obligation would be to make it painless, gentle, and truthful.

Do I really want to switch? Should I switch? I just recently has this burst of ideas and feelings because Carmella just told me her door was open for me. Will they last? Do I prefer her, seniority and convenience aside? I think so. I feel so. Will her feelings for me last?

The impulsive decision is to tell Laura & break-up with her, adn take a bus or a ride or a plane or a boat down to Granada, love Carmella, and then figure it out. Fairly reckless, I wouldn't even let Laura have a say in it.

My best candidate so far: a truthful compromise. Tell both Laura and Carmella I want to further exlpore my feelings with Laura, to find compatibility, spiritually, reproductive-wise, lifewise. I know I've invested time and effort, emotions into Laura &I. But that should not impede change.

I did love Laura very, very strongly. I thought, as hse probably still does, that we're meant for each other.

What made me think this? Has fresh love blinded me to Laura's attributes?

With Laura, there is complete trust. We're supposed to be able to tell each other absolutely anything. I try to, she tries to, but I do have to be gentle when I dispute her religious claims.

Do I/Would I have this with Carmella? Would I trust her fully and she me? She is really open-minded, she likes to question and be questioned. She doesn't shy away from dares, just from people sometimes.

Laura is beautiful, sweet, kind, good-willing. So is Carmella.

Carmella and I seem to understand each other more on the spiritual/life level. She flows, I flow. We are flowers.

Laura has the stain in my mind of being an indirect precursor, cause, to my accident. Carmella took me like that already, fresh, unmarked.

But is it good to always switch to new things to avoid the past? This justification could be used often, to always find someone newer. Though the accident is a pretty big stain.

& the wise decision: test it out. spend at least a semester with Laura in PGH, see how it goes, see if I do end up wanting a family. Re-evaluate my choice then. Inform Laura I'm continuing with her, tell Carmella the same. Hope for the best. Aim for the best. Flow.

Good Life

I'm wondering which kinds of archetypical lives are considered "optimal". Like the "best" kind of lives you could have. It varies per person, per context, per age group, so there are a fair amount of them. These come to mind:

The Achiever

You have great dreams, they are usually not easy to achieve. You work hard for them, you focus solely on them for long periods of time, during which you undergo hardship, trials, and sacrifices. Finally, you see your dream come true, you bask in the glory, and live happily ever after in your dream life. Or you realize that what you have achieved won't fulfill you for the rest of your days, so you seek other goals out of habit, and live the rest of your life achieving other worthy goals. Gotta be hard-working and persistent for this one.

The Lucky Guy

You're living your life, and you're doing kinda well, or not well, whatever, and one day, perchance, you win a big prize in the Lottery of Fate. You win the Power Ball, or you get one of those work-from-home $5000-a-week Google jobs the internet's spam is full of, or you inherit the fortune of your great-uncle who owned a few islands off the shores of Greece. Or you meet your absolute ideal partner, with whom you live in a pink fantasy for the rest of your days. You didn't work for it, you weren't really looking for it, you just kinda found it lying around, waiting just for you. And you live happily ever after. The lucky skunk kind.

The Socialite

You like people, and people like you. You spend most of your time in good company, you know enough to avoid the bad kind, and you get a career in journalism, low-laying politics, or education or something. You're happy getting to know people, helping people, and other people get to know you and help you in return. Your life is not necessarily solidly set, but due to your varied connections, you're always able to move forward gracefully. You probably raise a happy family, grow old, and die surrounded with friends and family who love you. Happily ever after.

The Intellectual

You like to know, to think, to create ideas, maybe to spread them. You're happy reading treatises on whatever topics you find interesting, be it Science, Philosophy, Politics, Economy, Biology, Dishwashers, Quantum Physics, Psychology, or Numismatics. You're happy discussing these ideas, so you surround yourself with similar people, or you become a teacher or professor. You're happy applying these ideas, so you become a great asset to whatever enterprise you dedicate yourself to, gearing it towards success. You get a librarian as a partner and you live happily ever after.

The Flow-er

I don't mean the plant blossom, I mean someone who flows. You're not really sure where you're headed, but you know you'll get there. You trust Life to lead you in a good direction, so you're mostly docile whenever it changes course for you, whichever way that might be. And Life acknowledges this, and takes you to meet diverse places, situations, and people as your time transcurs. And mostly wherever you get to, you'll find good stuff, because you truly trust that it's a right place to be in. You're lucky enough that you never run into any absolutely tragic episodes in your life, and you wing your way through to the end, which you also trust to be a good end. Happily ever after.

These are not necessarily mutually exclusive archetypes - you can mix and match and add as you like. I can think of some others, like the Athlete, the Artist, the non-junkie Movie Star, the Classy Prostitute, or the Astronaut. Can you think of any others?

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Torn

Torn between two lovers,

Feeling like a fool

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Carlin's Stuff Stack

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PITTSBURGH

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CHICAGO

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GUATEMALA

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COSTA RICA

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LA FORTUNA

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residenceStack.push(GRANADA);