Defiant

So I was trying to go to sleep tonight, but this thought came into my head, and began developing, expanding, practically writing itself as I tried to dismiss it. It's late, it's almost 1am, but the concept would keep repeating itself in me, the title came to me periodically: "Defiant. Defiant. Defiant.". I wondered what would be best, what would help me resolve my issues better (yes, this is based on personal issues, as usual). Should I forget it, let it go from my mind, and force myself to go to sleep? Would this allow me to let go of the past and help free myself from it? Or would that only be a repression, a "pushing back" of my issues into my subconscious, where it would keep harboring resentment, producing passive-aggressive behavior, and holding on to unpleasant memories? The alternative was to write about it, just like my mind wanted. It's practically dictating it. This, I hope, should allow me to at least express what I feel, clear it up consciously, and then maybe figure out a solution to it. It's hard to fight something you can't understand or see. And in mind terms, I think bringing something up to consciousness is the equivalent of being able to see it. Hopefully I haven't forgotten it by now.

I sometimes attempt to understand my interactions with my parents. What I knew so far was that I always prefer to be away from them. These last few months then, have been hellish because I have been forced to cohabitate with them and to depend on them. I dismiss their advice fiercely. I ignore their attempts at friendly conversation by responding with blatant incoherence or obvious boredom, and offer very scarce conversation of my own. I feel on constant reactive mode when they are around me, as if I need to respond to their actions in a manner that will cut our interactions the shortest possible. I act aloof and uninterested when my father tells me about his recently found interests, whether they be world chess tournaments or funny internet videos. I treat my mother's advice as obsolete, ridiculous, or redundant almost every time she offers it to me. I act defiantly.

I defy them to prove they have something to teach me or show me that I don't know yet, or that might possibly interest me. I present myself as cool and in control, unneeding of any help they could possibly offer, beyond their help, beyond their domain. I know they mean well and are not attempting to prove any points like I am, but I act like this nevertheless. And I know this is anomalous because I act very, very differently with everyone else. If any non-family member tries to show me an interest of his/hers, I will at least fake attention, if only for politeness' sake. I take people's advice into consideration, I am willing to listen to them, and I actually try to assimilate their perspective more often than not. I feel drawn to other people's advice and conversation, but I repel my parents'. And I wonder why.

I have developed this attitude since adolescence. I'm not sure when exactly, but I remember some related feelings emerging between 10 and 12 years old, when I was explicitly disallowed from taking public transportation to move around the city, even though my older siblings had been given that privilege at my age. This example is only one of a vast number of tiny, seemingly insignificant acts of protectiveness and restriction that I quickly came to identify as condescension. As in "He can't make his own decisions, he doesn't know, he's just a child". I always disagreed on that. I was proud of my knowledge, skills, and my independence, and wanted to develop these. So with every piece of advice and ruling they forced upon me despite my explicit protests, my resentment towards them grew. It was obvious and loud at first, but as the years passed by, I learned to fake it away. No, you can't go to your friend's party. No, you can't stay the night there. No, you can't go out and play on the street. I don't want you to be friends with him anymore. This is a good friend, go play with him. Put on a sweater, it's cold. Be sure to do your homework. Have you done your homework? Let me see it. No, that's wrong, do it again. No, you can't watch that movie. No, you can't play with your older siblings, they're too old for you. No, you can't play with your younger sister, she's too young for you. No, you can't go hiking down the mountain. Turn off the TV, it's late. No, you can't cook by yourself. No, you can't climb that tree. No no no no no no no no no no no no................. sigh.

I KNOW that's what parents do. I KNOW they meant well. I KNOW many kids barely get any attention while I got a lot of it. I KNOW kids don't come with a manual. I still got the resentment, though. I have a very strong resentment towards them, that now seeps out passive-aggressively whenever I'm with them in the form of my defiance of whatever they say or offer. It's not so much an act of revenge as it is a reaction. I actively resent them forbidding me so many things in the past, so accepting practically any piece of advice or help from them, no matter how trivial or how much I actually needed it, humiliates and hurts my ego. And I am exasperated whenever they offer words of praise or encouragement, convinced that I KNOW that what I did was good and worthy, and that they didn't need to tell me. Yes, I got issues.

I just recently noticed that this reaction of mine causes something else. Being in a reactive mode when I'm around them, I become fairly uncapable of producing initiatives of my own. This makes sense, as producing an initiative I have not shown before will most certainly cause them to project some kind of comment or advice on it, and I refuse to accept any of it. I do not allow myself to commit mistakes in front of them, because their comments or advice then become valid, and humiliation ensues. So I do take initiatives that I know well, that I know will not produce any mistakes. I go walking around the neighborhood in 10F temperature with only a t-shirt on and ignore my mom's inevitable advice to wear a sweater, knowing full-well I'm able to withstand the cold. I help them by changing computer settings to what they want, knowing full-well that I know more about it than they do, and so in their eyes, I will commit no mistakes.

But I do not take initiatives in which I might produce mistakes or show weakness in. And that is terrible. It is stifling. I do not feel comfortable learning or practicing anything around them, because I do not feel fully comfortable about my expertise about it yet. So I am prone to mistakes, and prone to being forced to accept their advice, or to me even thinking that they could have some kind of advice. They usually do. So I don't attempt it. I don't dare myself to practice French, or piano skills, or singing, or even basic conversation around them in the fear that they will have some kind of sensible advice I would be forced to accept, or even an opinion about it that they keep to themselves. I don't share my online friendships, my accomplishments, my thoughts with them. I don't trust them to handle them sensibly. I know they will have their own opinion about it and share it with me, and I simply do not want to know what they have to say. If it's useful, it will humiliate me, and if it's useless, then I don't want to hear it.

Thus, I'm happy that I'm leaving Chicago for a while. I remember being so much more carefree, joyous, and open when I lived by myself. Living as a guest among friends should be similar.

OK, I think I'm a bit clearer on what my issues are now. Now... should I share this with them? I think that would be an act of defiance itself. "I defy you to justify your actions".