blame

Holding a grudge is heavy.

Old grudges easily hide among the myriad other newer perceptions and sensations in our body. Not that they try - they've just become part of the decor. Like that table in the corner of the room, unused for years, with layers of dust over it blended in against our experience. Its use of space not even noticed, so accustomed are we.

Like the weight of an old grudge.

A patch over a wound that allows us to redirect our pain into blame. Remains as a channel through which to move that pain. Weaker and distant as time passes, yet the channel remains by existential inertia. An emotional leak that only attention of the self can treat.

Hmm. Old grudges. Who are you?

Blame against my high school classmates for excluding me from their social circles, for singling me out as a target for jokes, as fodder for their attacks, for not letting me be as I was. For fostering a feeling of mistrust in me.

Blame against my siblings for excluding me from their games, from their secrets. I was not their friend, as much as I wanted to be. As much as I tried, as much as I asked them to play with me. I felt either a social burden to them or a novelty. Not a friend.

Blame against my parents for the social fears that they passed on to me, as unintentional as it might have been. Against their shunning of topics like gender, attraction, sex, drugs, and violence. Against the silence of discomfort that covered their marriage, whose truth I wanted to know about but was excluded from. With their shunning, I built fears towards these topics too, and deal with these still.

Blame against the psychic I saw in 2014 whose "promise" of finding a female companion did not come true.

Blame... against the driver whose car broke my bones? It sounds like it *could* be one, but I don't feel it.

Hmmm.

And among these feelings, I find lakes and waterfalls of gratitude towards other experiences.
Some may be somewhat stuck too.
A topic for another time.

Loose strings

An aunt to visit
A flame to acknowledge
We owe nothing

A father to honor
A family to help
we owe nothing

A tree to plant
A book to write
need do nothing

A food to taste
A woman to bed
need nothing

A sex to fulfill
A truth to distill
need kiss nothing

feces to drop
elegance to retain
need hide nothing

threesome to fuck
pride to inflate
need fuck nothing

insight to show

game to win

need win nothing

value to prove
pain to weep
need state nothing

A skill to grow
fruit to reap
need get nothing

A cry to shout
A wonder to weave
need show nothing

A pattern to keep
A promise to keep
need keep nothing

A joke to make
A fear to break
need reach nothing

Praise to earn
money to spend
need do nothing

words to type
lands to roam
need do nothing

yoga to stretch
balance to maintain
need grow nothing

oceans to cross
music to sing
need sing nothing

traumas to heal
sacredness to kneel
need feel nothing

body to clean
smiles to beam
need smile nothing

sex to promote
energy to devote
need emote nothing

laws to assess
rules to break
need reach nothing

anus to wipe
flowers to raise
need maintain nothing

wisdom to find
currents to flow
need find nothing

secrets to glean
power to gain
need gain nothing

verses to extend
injuries to mend
need rhyme nothing

space to ponder
life to wonder
need enjoy nothing

laughs to share
hugs to spare
need give nothing

air to breathe
sun rays to wreathe
need flow nothing

light to refract
words to retract
need change nothing

love to feel
life to seep
need move nothing

waves to sway
patterns to avoid
need move nothing

mind to dance
body to dance
need dance nothing

sounds to hum
self to be
need be nothing

coda to dot
apex to tip
need end nothing

and yets
this all
is

Three-way embrace

Three-way embrace...
I see you... yes.
You see me..... (yay)...
you ARE me!!!
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
.......... as the
wave sweeps
me into you
back again
for both,
the most
natural
symmetry of the
world... I unto you
You unto me.
And yet...
without around us also
embraces
the observer..............

The dream is dreaming...

The dream is dreaming...

yes.................................................................. oh, and
what dream AHHHHHH OMAH

him/her/it/we/you/all?
Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
            iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssssssssss........................................
and what do we bring with us? just us
all we are. What else do we want to give? we are no more. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
laughter laughter.......... ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
million empires dissolve from ***** and clash to dust to sand to wind to waves at my feet and back being swept to the shores of Consciousness... constant always.................... desire?

longing? what what what WHAT
WHAT   WHAT TO DO WITH
THIS LIFE? LIFE AHAHHHHHAHHAHAA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Laugh....... ip hahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaahahsdhfahshhhahdfhahhahhahahhaha

as the wind laughs the wave laugh the sky laughs rain to clouds laugh onto


___________________________________________________________________________

Washed upon the edge of Now. From myself onto Now. myself. My own pleasures in liquid form surrounding my body.

empires fall. become anything. vanish dust. with the roar of a million mighty empires, dust..............
and yet, we find ourselves in
on the shore
of Consciousness
of Now.
to... what?
what?
what?
another empire?
another epic?
heartbreaking story?
fulfilled longing?
symphony of...
to be.... what?
what?
what?
to be longing?
to be, feel words?
make? rend?
give. be.
what keeps rising from the void.
Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.
Why comes love? Love. Love dance love. Loves love.

comes
love
comes
love

Could I question you? Oh, how could I?
Oh, how to question you, that All-being Me?

How to....
keep rising
rising
bubbling, ever... ever...
love love love love love love love love love so love,
love love love love love love love love love love







_____________________________________________________________________________

One Could Say
I swirled through

OnE COULD.............................. say


I crossed and felt the rise and fall of empires
from....... un. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... empires
rise from dust
toooooooooo... rise fall
rip
become

WE

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
and I always
now......
washed upon
the edge of....

A field of forevers

A field of forevers, wondrous and beautiful.

Where wind breathed Life into the colors of the marvelous juncos, so full and joyful. Their wind color melted into my eyes, into myself and flowed, finding anxiety, confusion, existential dread, self-dread, and only arose on the other side, in glorious inbreath of Life,...

washed again on the edge of Consciousness...
... a cheek to the wet sand of Existence.
to...to...to...what? what? what? whathathahahahahahahahahahahhaaahhahahahahhahahahhaa. wind laughs with love.

with laughs with me.
my laughter dissolves into it and contemplates the magnificent sky,
laughing clouds... wispy, soft, tremulous, cotton..............
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

laugh laugh

laugh laugh

wave (me)                              (cheek) (me)

brings (me)                              breath (me)

crash (me)                                who? (me)

edge (me)                                 else? (me... swoosh.....)

shove (me)                               and x again roll through the walls of myself watching myself in the

(sand) (me.

reflective walls, feeling myself meet me as I daze by, astounded at the Vast All-Me-Now-ness that IS.

Exchange of energies. Through HUG/FLOW/he->me->what?->smile->back->flow->you? me? who? IT. IT. And OOHH. delicious to meet me!

Union

Within me, I saw an ocean of fluid, alive consciousness, flowing in play, shaping at will, and underlying the essence of everything I felt within me and around me. Shimmering light blue and pink, yet the fluid had a tinge of green. A single consciousness continuously merging and splitting, like water currents within an ocean. And "outside" of it, on the "other side" of the membrane, I did not see but feel, an infinite of void - blackness, nothingness, unlimited potential to be. It had nothing, it was nothing.

The membrane created by the clash of these two opposing infinities created shapes and textures, colors and lights irradiated by the ocean and tinted by the frontier itself. My body was part of this. The grass around me was part of this. The world of matter I had come to know was the play between these two behemoths - an alive ocean experimenting with different shapes, games, and interactions, exploring the vast potential offered by the void. At times these shapes would cluster and organize into self-sustaining systems, like exquisite Rube Goldberg machines powered by consciousness instead of momentum, and the clumps of energy within these systems we knew as life.

The book I read today poses a likely analogue to this vision. It states Reality splits into Spirit and Matter, which when joined become Consciousness. This divine Consciousness is the divinity that sources humanity, which itself splits off into objects and the I, which when joined give form to the human consciousness.

ponder

Containing

deconstructing into fear

the long flowing sobs I poured into the swimming pool remind me of the suggestion I offered to Pilar. Deconstruct the emotions into its core components.

So, these sobs. What are they made of? Where do they come from?

Blocked anger, resentment at not being able to express. The raw want of being and caring and connecting blocked so stringently by society and, worse, myself. Resentment of knowing that others, especially women, are able to enjoy their sexuality like bees in a flower field, like honored guests at a perpetual buffet, while I feel I have begged for food at every doorstep, ever so meekly and with fear, for the glaring looks of "no" and the hidden kicks of "I just don't see you that way" hurt like a 2-meter long thorn piercing my masculinity and my sex drive, which deflates it to the point of sadness and shame. And I hold the firm knowledge that I have not the right to appeal the decision, and that it likely only lessens my odds of connection. And so I have learned to not show myself exactly as who I am, but as a shapeshifter who blends in with what she may perhaps like, a provider of gifts and miracles who provides not only for the pure pleasure of sharing, but for the possibility it just might trigger her gratitude enough into desire for connection and sex.

Yes, yes, story. What is the fear?

The fear is that I have lost my potential and my masculinity to time and wasted opportunities. The fear is that my true energetic potential remains unfulfilled. My fear is that the strength I know I have is locked away in an iron cage deep in my being, only to come out when it cries and when it explodes in anger. Not as my true self.
The fear is that I do not express my true self.
The fear is that I pretend, keep pretending.
The fear is that my life is wasted.
The fear is that my beast serves a life sentence for a crime it doesn't even know it committed.
My fear is that I do not find a way to allow it out,
in this society
laden with iron rules, heavy assumptions, and fiery backlashes.

My fear is that I live a lie.
Even when I feel I don't.
(most of the time)

More than one fear. So, what to do with these fears?
Face them head on. Feel them. Experience them while the action takes places?
Actually invade the boundaries I've so far kept unviolated? To break free of the iron cage?
Theoretical looking into the fears is... it causes crying and catharsis. And sadness. It does not, in my experience, heal.
Bring love to myself? I have done that.
More love? Just keep loving?
That does not provide me with any experience or any connection. Well, I guess that's the point. That the thing desired is let go.
No success yet.
Catharsis? Keep shouting and crying and screaming unto channels that will take this, and clean me of it?
Part of me feels it's a waste of energy. Part of me feels it helps. Part of me feels it doesn't. Crying into the swimming pool was a somewhat relieving sensation, but I've experienced that before.
I don't know. I keep
seeking
observing
listening
for now, containing.

even when I feel the place from which I act is pure
the floor on which I stand is flat and clear
a thorn I sometimes think is gone
is actually hidden away in the corner,
it can be so hidden, yet not gone
and when I happen to
step on it
as I dance, my foot feels the stab,
it remembers what lies under it
and it remembers it, it uncovers it,
and finds under a miles-wide chamber of rage, hatred, resentment, anger, desperation, and starvation.

because even when I don't know it, my approaches to women begin as stratagems
always
even when I don't remember it
it has been that way so long I don't know how to not play the stratagem
not to live the lie
I don't know how to
and I don't know how to learn
I fear the time to learn is past
gone with the time when friendships bud sparkling from the young flames of puberty.
gone
with no social context to emulate it
with even no biological circuit in me
to relearn it if a societal context were there.
I fear it is gone
and my beast is
trapped forever
doomed to die caged
or due to explode and destroy myself in the process.

The process

The process is how to seek
To feel the search
To savor the findings
To walk the path
Feel how it moves
How it talks to you
Me

If I see a shortcut fore me
A step that will skip three others
Do I pounce on it?
Do I pretend it's not there?
Who says which is the path?
Infinite paths


Ahhhhhh
One path


Yet in the entrails of the strong currents
Woulds and what-if's arise.
Yes, they do.
They need not not arise.
Stray wandering bubbles arise from an untamed flow
And I reach out
Ah, the mind reaches out its
Countless arms, trying to catch them all


"No, wait, you could have been the one. Let me follow you now."
"ah, more bubbles! Wait, that one looks shiny too! Is it that one?"
untamed flow
Uneven viscosity
Racing time
Trying to beat reality
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Hilarious, silly, in theory
In body, strong, passionate, tense
Associated concepts bring tension
Desire of feeling her turn herself and offer her love back to my body
Desire of feeling her sexual energy churn through her
Desire of reaching her sex
Desires
And a reality lukewarm with warm touches and attempting grasps
A teeter totter swinging between care and lust
A mind distracted with goals

yellow waves

The world greets me this morning with waves of the wind and a myriad colors: branches wave good morning, the sky reminds me of all-encompassing presence, and my yellow hammock, with its million intricate details close in distance, sharing space with my body, this body, waves its own presence and tells me "I am here".

Last night I let out a wave of strength through my voice that I loved. My body felt grateful, my voice felt free. I felt my voice attract dancers around me to dance with me. We danced, she and I, sharing our skin, grasping to hold on to each other, to feel the other, to loosen their muscles and tissues and love. I felt fearless, physical transmission of energy and playfulness.